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Recent Entries
Kaz said I had to write something nice about myself
Therapy anyone??
ungrateful wench
happiness is...
around the world and back again
ooo-la-long tea
ode to chicken salad
what I wouldnt give for a date
now what?
just dont know
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May 27, 2008
Kaz said I had to write something nice about myself
I think she might be related to Therapy Lady! Hi Kaz! Love ya like pudding!! Chocolate... not tappypuka! Non-dairy k... cuz I'm lactose intolerant!
Okay so here is my nice thing about myself... I am NOTHING LIKE MY MOTHER. Do you know why?!?!? Well, I'll tell you why and these are Therapy Lady approved enlightenments:
1. I am not a bitter person... I have love in my heart and I freely give all the love I have to the people I hold dear to me.
2. I am not unhappy all the time... just the parts of the time I cant figure out how to stop being overwelmed in. On really good days, I can be happy as a lark and not have a care in the world other than to wonder if my kids are as happy as me playing outside.
3. I actually LIKE my children... I dont consider them a burden or tell them that they are the cause of my dreadful life.
4. I can actually trust people! Ma couldnt do that to save her soul!
5. I can find joy in the littlest things... there is not one shred of joy to be found in that woman's life and I dont think there ever has been.
6. I'm getting better! Eventually I will learn to put aside all of the negative things I've been told all of my life about myself and get on with being happy with my family. I will no longer be a slave to them.
Posted by laurie at 05:45 PM
May 26, 2008
Therapy anyone??
Well... its confirmed! I am a crazy bitch! No... not really!! But since the last time I posted I've had 1. a psych eval, 2. a therapist assigned, and 3. a shrink nurse practictioner that cracks me up.
Therapist Lady says that I have post tramatic stress disorder, depression, and social anxiety. She makes me write letters to people that I will never send and then read them out loud to her. They help me see how ridiculous it is that I have bent over backwards so many times for 'you know who' that its a wonder that I havent cracked wide open. She said that if I dont start putting up some boundaries that I will crack wide open. So with her help, I have started to do that and its been terrifying and awesome at the same time.
My Shrink Nurse put me on Klonopin along with my wellbutrin and life is GOOD! Instead of avoiding people or situations... I've actually started interacting easier and opening up! It helps me see that my panic attacks are real and helps me deal with things in a much healther way.
So I've made some changes in my life.... they've been hard but its helped tremedously. Instead of feeling completely overwelmed by every little thing...I've off loaded a ton of stuff and have started to do stuff for me!
Posted by laurie at 07:14 PM
March 21, 2008
ungrateful wench
I am the first to admit that I am the biggest ungrateful wench on the face of the earth. More like a big spoiled rotten baby really.
Dana does everything he can to make me happy. Its a thankless job in my opinion because I always need more and I can never figure out what it is that I can do for him. Right now he's been really giving his all because I've been having a prolonged period of the sads. Extra attention, more hugs, chai's on a regular basis, even a unscheduled trip for sushi this week and I am still not full up. Its like nothing is good enough... I'm always in need of something else.
And here's where the ungrateful part comes in! Every Friday night and Sunday afternoon Dana takes some time for himself and goes to TKD. And every Friday and Sunday I get all jealous because he's going to leave yet again.
I'm either here, wrangling kids to their various appointments, or I'm at work.... I dont get to go anywhere else. I had to make a flying trip to Kohls yesterday because THK desperately needed shirts... I couldnt take more than 45 minutes because I would have been late getting the kids. I gave up my ME time because it was deemed too expensive (weekend yoga and getting my hair colored - 2 things I loved very VERY much) and I didnt want to take that time away from the kids... so the only time I have to myself is when I'm asleep. Why just when I'm alseep?!? Because I'm worn out by 8:00pm every night... and if I dont go to bed, the kids yell for me until I just cant take it anymore and I go to bed just to get some peace. I'm trapped in bed by either my exhaustion ( I have to be up at 5am on the weekdays and the kids wont let me sleep past 6:30am on the weekend) or kids with no adult interaction with Dana... I am sooo not happy.
Dana gets to be gone for 3 hours Friday night and Sunday he leaves from 1:30pm until usually 5pm... so thats 3.5 hours. I must clarify... he is also doing the grocery shopping on Sundays after his class so its not all for just him. Its either grocery shop then or take time to go on Saturday... either way, he's gone. He's working on getting his blackbelt in TKD and has to take these classes in order to reach his goal... hell I'm the one that got him into TKD so I really have no right to complain. But the selfish bitch in me feels like a TKD widow...
Dana said I should go do something on my own. What the hell am I suppose to do that doesnt take too much time away from the kids, costs money, and doesnt cut into his or the kids schedules? Well geez...
1. I guess going to the mall is out (money)
2. movie (money and Dana wouldnt be happy that I saw something without him)
3. bookstore/library (money for the bookstore but library is free... BUT if I would bring home a book, I would be ignoring the kids if I was reading... kinda hard to read when you're exhausted or have cleaning to do)
4. take a walk (cold! and the kids would want to go if it wasnt!)
5. home improvement (remember the kids?!?!? they want to help!)
6. surf the internet/blog (ignoring the kids again! they are all over my butt right now because I'm typing eventhough they ASKED for a movie to watch...hanging on mom is MUCH MORE INTERESTING)
7. perpetual adoration at church (frankly I'd rather take the time for a nap since I'm not getting any adult interaction anyway!)
8. do the grocery shopping (HATE GROCERY SHOPPING - plus I'm not the one that cooks...kids need played with and they wont play with dadee).
9. get a TATTOO!! (money! and probably not enough body surface to get some girl time every month). I had the perfect opprotunity for a little girl time last weekend... I was going to take a trip and get an appointment set up to get the new design I wanted! I was terribly excited! I had looked forward to Saturday for an entire week that I was going to get to do something for ME! Dana's disability insurance came and the opprotunity to get the tattoo I've wanted for 2 years vanished into thin air.
10. Watch TV at home! Oh right... a swell idea! Ignore the children and have something inappropriate on and have the kids stand over me chanting 'play with me! play with me!' while ignoring their father who wants to play with them OR watch Noggin... I think I'll pass.
So what does that leave me? A big fat NOTHING - thanks for playing but I already figured that out! No... I'm not saying my kids are nothing... they are everything and I love them but sometimes a girl just wants a few minutes to herself to take a crap without 3 small people standing around her asking if its all coming out okay.
Posted by laurie at 07:52 PM
September 7, 2007
happiness is...
a warm, loving husband to cuddle with on a dark and stormy night :)
Posted by laurie at 08:51 AM
August 3, 2007
around the world and back again
I've been around the world and back again... all without the people I love most. I was with people I love... but my husband and kids were at home.
Gone for 2 weeks - cried every day I was gone. Called home at least once a day every day just to hear their voices. There were a couple of days where B wouldnt talk to me on the phone because she was upset I was gone.
I dont EVER want to be away from them that long again... its just too hard.
Posted by laurie at 04:41 PM
June 11, 2007
ooo-la-long tea
I'm sitting here watching the cutest movie with Aston Kutcher (sp?) and makes me just go awwwww!!! The name of it escapes me at the moment but I'll figure it out and see if I can find the dvd for it. I've got to save the rest of it for tomorrow...for I must go face my sleepless night.
Thats just the way it goes... there just wont be any sleep for me until I'm so exhausted that I keel over at my desk in the middle of the day. I must make it to the end of the week on what sleep I can get because I've got little people counting on me. And believe me... it will take me until the end of the week to get to a point where I can just drop over into a dead sleep but by then the source of my sleep-less-ness will be a mute point.
Beaker shirt.... Homer boxers... extra shot of Polo if needed... not enough to break on through to the sound sleeping side.
Trying really hard not to check the mail...
Leaving the phone alone...
Text messages to a minium...
Dont want to be a bother...
Want to read a beautiful poem?!?!?!?
Sidney Lanier
Evening Song
Look off, dear Love, across the sallow sands,
And mark yon meeting of the sun and sea;
How long they kiss in sight of all the lands,
Ah! longer, longer we.
Now, in the sea's red vintage melts the sun
As Egypt's pearl dissolved in rosy wine
And Cleopatra night drinks all. 'Tis done,
Love, lay thine hand in mine.
Come forth, sweet stars, and comfort heaven's heart,
Glimmer, ye waves, 'round else unlighted sands;
Oh night! divorce our sun and sky apart
Never our lips, our hands.
Be in awe of me - I made frozen box lasanga tonight!! Its Super La!! Hunter, gather-er, maternal, magnificant warmer upper!
Posted by laurie at 09:34 PM
May 28, 2007
ode to chicken salad
There are very few things that I can eat that I enjoy immensely. Such is the life of the chronically heartburned :)
My favorite thing in the whole wide world is the chicken salad sandwich that Grounds for Celebration makes. Its even better than the chicken gyros at the fair and that my friends is almost a sin to say. Whats so good about it... I dont know! Its just damn tasty!!
For those of you that are familar with my own patent pending brand of crazy, it will astound and amaze you to know that I will actually go into the shop myself and order it. Yep - its good enough to make me stuff my social anxiety in a shoe box, shove it under the bed with the dust bunnies, and high tail it down the street with small child(ren) in tow.
I usually get the meal and a small chai with soy milk... its enough to make me smile all day. What makes my day even more when I get to have it is the lottery they seem to have on bestowing customers with random slices of kiwi in the fresh fruit selection! The pasta's okay... its not bad... its just makes my chest hurt if I eat too much of it.
I would leave this boring place I call 'work' and go get me an order but I am afraid if I leave... I shall not come back and will have to take a chicken salad induced napsee poopsee once I'm finished inhaling that tiny bit of heaven. I think its a little bit too much to hope that my children would show up with any... it sounded like they were going to have eggs when I called up and confessed my addiction... I mean hint! It was a hint!
Besides... its a holiday... who knows if they're even open!
Posted by laurie at 11:39 AM